Satisfied

So it’s been a very long time since I’ve posted, but I wrote a journal entry earlier this week that I’d like to share.  I’m really interested to hear other people’s thoughts, responses, and advice, and hopefully this will encourage somebody else somehow.  It’s not necessarily well put together, so forgive me if I seem to ramble at times.  Please bear in mind that I was in a rather melancholy state when I wrote much of this.

Annoyance.  Frustration.  Struggle.  Despair.  These are the phases in this vicious cycle which seems to lead inevitably to my destruction, for this is the way in which I lose the battle against sin and self.

I suspect that when this happens, it is a result of my efforts to fight in my own strength.  I know this will never work, because at my core, I am desperately evil (see Jeremiah 17:9).  The breakdown happens between the phases of struggle and despair.  It is there that I surrender to my flesh instead of my God and do one of 3 things:  give in and immediately regret it, usually feeling very guilty and even condemned; go on a binge of sinning for a chunk of the day, then regret it later, like a delayed reaction; or shift into a rebellious mood, which could last as long as a few days before I admit what I’ve done (thankfully, it’s been quite awhile since I’ve done that last one).  At least all these roads eventually turn back to repentance, which is, in a sense, encouraging evidence of the presence of the Holy Spirit in my life.

Right now feels a bit different, though.  It’s as if the sin came as a result of despair.  So where did the despair come from?  Well, here’s some speculation.  It probably has to do at least somewhat with my consistent Bible reading dropping off over the past couple of weeks.  Actually, I’m sure of that.  If I’m not taking in a steady diet of the Word, I’m taking in a steady diet of the world. And the funny thing is, the more you feed off the world, in some sense it becomes harder to desire the goodness of God’s Word.  It’s like eating fast food all the time — it’s cheap, convenient, and tastes good, so why go to the trouble of eating healthy foods?  But then the junk you’re eating will eventually make you fat or sick or both.  So I have to turn to the Bread of Life, Jesus Himself.  Yet I lack even the strength to do as seemingly little a thing as that on my own.  I can only hope to live under grace.

God created me with an astonishingly strong capacity and desire to worship (although I don’t know if it’s more or less than anyone else’s).  However, that ability is gravely misdirected much of the time.  I have the tendency to make people my idols, elevating relationships with others over my relationship with God.  This creates several problems.  People are made to give worship, not to receive it.  So not only is my idolatry sinful and dishonoring to God, it also places the person being idolized in a position they can never fill — to be worshiped is too overwhelming and demanding for any mere mortal human being to handle, because, being finite, the idolized person can simply never fill the infinite void of needs of the idolater.

What I’m struggling with (when I wrote this) is the question of how to tell when I’m committing idolatry versus when I am simply making a close friend.  Perhaps the key is to focus on glorifying God (no surprise there) and on what is needed by the other person, trusting that adopting these objectives, I will simply find that my own needs are met.  This is far easier said than done.  With such a strong appetite for love, it’s hard to trust (due to my stubborn human infirmity – God is so obviously good), and it becomes difficult to tell where the line is drawn or even whether or not I have crossed it.

I can recognize at least one line of perverse thinking which leads to relational idolatry, or at least passes through it.  At times I try to convince myself that my “deep, dark desires” are not really that bad, but it’s the context which makes this particular sort of desire evil and twisted.  Wanting to be like another person can be inspiring, edifying, and encouraging as it spurs us on to better praise and glorify our Christ.  But when such a desire is so strong that it causes jealousy, possessiveness, or even wanting to be that person, the line has been crossed into idolatrous worship, and the Lord is not glorified until I die to that desire and rely on Him for freedom to withstand temptation.

So how do I stop obsessing over people?  How do I get past the overwhelming hurt, pain, and hunger for love?  So many times I have cried out to God for mercy and grace, pleading with Him to take away my darkness or lead me through it.  Yet I continue to fall time after time.  I desperately desire to walk in the light, but fail over and over.  Am I missing some divine truth?

Well okay, here’s the truth.  If Jesus is the Bread of Life, then what I get from other people is just crumbs.  Don’t get me wrong, crumbs are nice when you’re starving, but they will not and cannot ever be enough to sustain you, let alone come anywhere close to filling you up.  In the same way, I should not be surprised to find that Jesus is the only person who can fill the emptiness in my heart; not only that, but He does it so well, He’s all I really need!

I am so frail and helpless.  I can only plead for God’s mercy to miraculously transform my feeble and failing efforts into demonstrations of His incredible love and grace which go far beyond my wicked, treacherous betrayals of my greatest Friend and benevolent Father.

Truly, I long to see the face of Jesus in His glory.  This must be the hope to which I cling — after all, I really don’t have anyone else who can give me any genuine hope.  Finding I have reached the end of myself, it’s as if I have no choice but to hope in the words of Christ.  Despite my current state of distress, I can remember shining glimpses revealed of the radiance of His glory and truth.  As Peter said to Christ, “Lord, to whom shall we go?  You have the words of eternal life, and we have believed, and have come to know, that You are the Holy One of God.”  (John 6:68-69, ESV)

Since this was just me scribbling in my notebook, I didn’t devise any conclusion to bring it all home like I usually would for a blog post.  But last night my mind revisited a beautiful hymn I learned growing up that seems to fit my heart’s cry perfectly, so I’ll just leave you with those lyrics.

“Satisfied”

All my life long I had panted,

For a drink from some cool spring,

That I hoped would quench the burning,

Of the thirst I felt within.

Feeding on the husks around me,

‘Til my strength was almost gone,

Longed my soul for something better,

Only still to hunger on.

Poor I was, and sought for riches,

Something that would satisfy,

But the dust I gathered ’round me,

Only mocked my soul’s sad cry.

Chorus

Hallelujah!  He has found me,

Whom my soul so long has craved!

Jesus satisfies my longings,

Through His blood I now am saved.

Well of water ever-springing,

Bread of Life so rich and free,

Untold wealth that never faileth,

My Redeemer is to me.

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